


In Between

by FireyFlamey



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, Jearmin - Freeform, M/M, snk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireyFlamey/pseuds/FireyFlamey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Armin Arlert is a psychiatrist. One day he gets an interesting case - a man who deeply believes that the world is besieged by the Titans and mankind is lost. Can the blond save him from his own mind?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Chance

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, that's my first Attack on Titan english fanfiction (english is not my mother language), so any constructive criticism is welcome ;) Also, I have NO IDEA about all the psychological facts, so if any psychiatrist or psychologist ever reads it - I am already sorry for all the mistakes and illogical things!

-  **A** re you sure you want to take him? - Levi gazed at the fragile blonde, before hesitantly handing him the pile of papers.

\- Yes sir. - Armin smiled a bit and his eyes quickly went through lines of text. - It doesn't seem like anything special, just a mental disorder, right?

Rivaille nodded, his expression saying that he's bored with whole situation - as always. He took a cup of still hot coffee.

\- Yes, guy thinks he's the only survivor of some kind of war. Wouldn't be this bad if he didn't think the war is still going. He snaps from time to time, certain that we're some kind of 'Titans' if I'm not wrong. 'S gonna be hard for you to get him back to our world.

\- I'll try, sir. - Armin smiled again and fixed his glasses. - Everyone deserves a chance to come back to normal life.

He stood up an bowed lightly.

\- If anything happens, feel free to leave. He's hurt two of our doctors already, not severely, but still. You're our last try on his case.

Armin nodded and walked away, quietly closing the door.

Levi yawned shortly and went back to drinking his coffee, bluntly staring outside the window. He didn't really care about the patient, he had brought too much trouble for them already. But Armin liked such cases; Technically normal mental issue, but the more they try to fix it, the worse it gets. But can a fragile, delicate blonde like him change anything in this deviant's mind...?

Armin went back to his own office and sat down, carefully reading the documents. Illness' history, patient's past and family contacts, personal information... Blunt character, zodiac Aries, his age. He went through a mental breakdown after his best friend died in an accident that he took part in. After it, it kept getting worse, and seems like the patient locked himself in his own safe world, where he can blame everything on so called 'Titans'. The blonde smiled to himself lightly.

Jean Kirschstein.

He's going to be his hardest case, or so it seems.

The door clicked loudly before they were opening. Brunette looked up at them, uninterested.

\- Good day, Jean! - he heard.

\- Tsk.

\- Not being too talkative today, hm? - the short blonde in glasses sat in front of him and smiled encouragely. - I got a pile of papers about you, but I didn't have time to read it all. So how about you tell me something about yourself?

Jean frowned and looked down at the desk. Armin raised his eyebrows. Strange, he thought, documents stated he doesn't have communication problem. But then... he hasn't been locked down before.

Indeed, the brunette was sitting with his arms tied behind his back. It didn't look too comfortable.

Armin thought about it for a while and in the end he's decided that if he won't risk something, he'll never get what he wants. So he stood up with a bunch of keys and smiled again.

\- Now, let's make this conversation more comfortable for you. - He said, unlocking the small lock and untying patient's hands. - It's not a prison, after all. But, - he added as he sat down at his place again. - we'll have to tie you up again before I leave. What I did isn't strictly okay with the law, you know.

Jean rubbed his hands in silence for a while before eventually looking up at the doctor.

\- You're different. - He said suddenly, making Armin raise his eyebrows in silent question. - They're all afraid.

\- Of you?

\- ...Of breaking the rules, idiot.

\- Oh, right... Well, they don't want to lose their jobs.

\- And you want to?

\- No. But I'm ready to sacrifice something in order to gain what I'm seeking. You know, - he bent over the table - I believe that people can't get anything, can't CHANGE anything in this world, if they're not ready to take a risk, to sacrifice something. That's how it works.

\- So everyday when you buy things in shop, or change your phone's wallpaper, you're ready to sacrifice your life to do it? - Jean tilted his head. - That's stupid.

\- But isn't it the same at war, too? - Armin eyed him carefully, knowing that he's entering the dangerous territory.

\- And what do you know about the war? - Jean growled.

\- Nothing. That's why I want you to tell me about it.

\- It's nothing to talk about. War is full of death and losses.

\- Did you loose someone then?

\- Many. - Jean kept rubbing his hands. They couldn't still hurt. A tick, maybe?

\- Tell me about them.

Armin waited carefully and just watched as Jean stopped his activity and slowly looked up at him.

\- ...Marco. - he said finally. Armin didn't even blink. He'd read in Jean's documents that the friend that died in an accident which started it all was Marco Bodt. It was obvious Jean would mention him first. - Marco was one of their victims. He was my best friend... my only friend at the time. - Jean looked in Armin's eyes all the time while talking. The blonde swallowed, suddenly finding the golden irises unnerving. - Last memory of him I have is when he's saved my ass. He drew back Titan's attention and flew away. Next time I saw him, he... he was... - Brunette sighed heavily. - He was halved, and dead. Noone saw his death. There was noone to listen to his last words.

\- ... - Armin noticed that he's stopped breathing. He inhaled deeply now. - My condolences. - He said quietly.

Blonde knew it's all made up. Just a story to cover-up the truth. There was an accident. Head-on collision. Only Jean made it out.

But yet, when he was telling this tale, he seemed so certain...

It was obvious at this point. His mind has created this all to save itself from the guilt. It's always easier to blame everything on the huge, powerful creatures that can't be stopped.

\- So what happened after your friend's... ?

\- After Marco's death, I've changed all my plans, and joined Recon Corps. - said Jean. He swinged on the chair. Armin blinked.

\- Wait. Would you mind if I ask you to... tell it all? Whole story, from the very beginning.

\- ...

Jean eyed him, as if contemplating whether Armin's worth his time or not. Seems like 'being different' gave the blonde alot, because brunette leaned his head on his hand and sighed.

\- Alright, if you want to know it so badly...

Armin spent next two hours listening to the story, where reality mixed with Jean's imagined world. The story where world was surprisingly far more cruel than it actually is; Story about death, blood and terror, about fighting with monstrous beings to survive, and to regain what was originally ours. Someone came few times, checking if everything's okay, but Armin was too dragged into the story to even notice.

The world, infected by huge, deadly Titans, wasn't known to the people. The mankind survivors were closed within giant walls, keeping them save from beasts. But nothing lasts forever, and eventually the Titans broke through wall into one of the district. This day, the humanity got the grim reminder.

Along with other people his age, Jean joined the trainee squad, and for a year he was being prepared to fight with Titans. Eventually, the ten best trainees were picked, and they've had a chance to join Military Police - and stay inside the walls deepest in the country. But the sudden action took place, and every soldier had to take part in it.

Their aim was to keep Titans in district's corner. That's when it happened; Jean's 3D Maneuver broke and Marco saved him. Later, freckled man couldn't be found, but brunette didn't lose hope.

Not until the point when he saw his halved body, lying under one of the buildings.

The group funeral was the moment when Jean decided he'd join Recon Corps instead of Military Police. He didn't want to hide in safe place far from the danger anymore. He'd wanted to help in defeating the monsters that Marco fell victim to. Or at last in getting more information about them.

The mankind's victory seemed more realistic since one of the soldiers, Eren Jaeger, came out to be so-called Titan Shifter. He could change into one of them, but kept his mind, so he was a big help.

Their first mission outside the walls shown that there are more people who can do that. That's where things got more complicated.

Armin listened how Jean's team was torn apart one by one; How the most powerful soldiers were falling helplessly. Up until the moment when there were only few left.

Finally, the blonde stood up, feeling suddenly heavy.

\- I have to.. - he found himself whispering.

\- I know. - Jean put his hands behind and waited patiently as Armin tied them up again.

\- Well, I'll... I'll come back tomorrow. - Armin smiled hardly. Jean just nodded. - I'll try to talk to them about that tying up thing, too. But I can't promise anything.

\- Right. ...Thanks.

\- ...No problem.

Armin left the room and took a deep breath. This case was so much different than any he's ever tried to solve. It was something between schizophrenia and many other mental illnesses.

But overally Jean seemed to be able to save; He just has whole this story in his head. If Armin is able to interpretate all of it's components right, he may be able to get to the centre of the illness, and maybe destroy it from it's roots. Marco is important in whole this story. After all, he seems to be the only person from both real world and Jean's head. He's keeping it all together.

Armin packed his things up, getting ready to leave. The door had opened and he's heard the bored tone of his boss.

\- Successful so far?

\- Let's say. He's told me his story. His version of reality.

\- ...Need a lift home? - Levi looked around the office, unamused by how messy it was. Armin smirked. Of course he minded the mess, Rivaille was always a clean freak.

\- Yes, if it's not a problem.

\- Would I ask if it was?

\- ...Well.

The two of men left the building and soon they were in Levi's (super clean) car.

\- You think you can handle him?

\- It won't be easy, but I think it's possible to help him. - Since Levi was quiet, Armin cleaned his throat and continued, thinking loudly. It always helped him to embrace thoughts.

\- It all started almost two years ago, right after the accident. Head-on collision, three people died, only Jean survived, with minor injuries. As a runaway from the guilt, his mind created brand new world, where all of his sins can be blamed on gigantic beasts, Titans. Marco's death, all of his wrong choices in life - everything is easier to survive if it's not really your fault. - Levi nodded, and Armin went on. - Titans can symbolize the fate. They're huge, they're far more powerful than any human - but they are radom, too. They don't have a special aim in killing humans. They eat them, but don't have to. They took over the world, and there is no way to run away from them, no matter how tall the walls are. Titans are either fate, or only worse side of it - the bad luck.

There was this boy, Eren. He could transform into a Titan. So maybe he represents all the good thing in Jean's life, that lost their meanings after the accident. ...Or... - Armin looked outside the window. - Or Eren shows that humans can overcome the fate. Jean seems to dislike him, maybe he's jealous of this person he created in his own head, that seems to be more determined than he himself.

\- Maybe Eren represents his goals. - said Levi.

\- Yes, that's possible, too. But the most important thing in all this is Marco Bodt. He keeps truth and lies together. The fact that he's dead in both our and Jean's world may suggest that somewhere deep inside, he knows he's partly guilty for his death.

\- Also, he may be an impuls.

\- Hm?

\- An impuls strong enough to bring Jean back to reality.

\- You say Marco is key here?

Levi just shrugged.

\- You said something about walls?

\- Yes. - Armin thought about it for a while. - Propably part of his unconsciousness is aware of the situation; Walls would symbolize how he's enclosed himself inside of his mind. And every trip outside is dangerous. His mind tells him, in it's own way, that he's trapped - but for his own good.

\- Armin. - Levi stopped the car. They were near blonde's home. - What if he's just another fucked up psycho that CAN'T be helped?

\- Rivaille, everyone needs a chance.

\- Yeah, but don't forget what happened the last time you gave someone a chance.

\- It won't happen again. If anything suspicious happens, I'll just leave. Or call for help.

Levi glanced at him for a while, finally giving a loud sigh. His expression didn't show any concern though.

\- Okay, now go home. - He waved his hand. - Things will get serious tomorrow.

\- Thanks for the lift! - Armin got out and closed the door. Levi just nodded and drove away.

The blonde stood there for few long seconds before entering the home. He threw his bag at the sofa and sat on armchair.

\- Jesus. - he sighed, taking off his shoes.

What if Levi was right, and all he'll be left with after this case is another scar?

He took a short shower, as usually, and got into bed with a book. It didn't take long before he fell asleep with it on his chest.


	2. Happened by Itself

\- Good morniiiing. - Christa grinned when she walked into the conference room. - I'm sorry I'm late!

\- You're not. - Levi took few sips of his coffee. - We're still wating for Hanji.

\- Ah... okay. - Girl took a sit next to Armin and gave him a cheerful smile.

He responded with what he had hoped to be at last partly as nice as Christa's.

Few moments later, Hanji entered the room like a tornado. She kicked the door open and put the huge pile of papers on the desk, with a spark in her goggle-alike glasses.

\- We gotta whole lotta work today, fellas! I have all the news about this brand new mental illness ya know.

Levi looked at her with "cool story bro." expression, but took the first paper and eyed it quickly.

\- Alright, but it's not the main case.

\- I know, I know, BUT READ THIS. - Hanji put the paper on Levi's face.

\- Hanji. - he mumbled.

\- BUT READ

\- But HOW am I supposed to read if you put it ON MY FACE. - he took the paper himself and huffed at her.

Christa sighed lightly.

\- These two will never stop. - she whispered.

Armin nodded.

\- It's rather that Hanji will never stop.

\- But Rivaille continues her games. - Christa smiled to herself. - These two should be together.

Armin blinked. He's never thought about them this way. His thoughts were far from the conference room anyway. In the room number 7, where tied up Jean Kirschstein was propably already up, and with frown he's waited for him. Well he wasn't sure about the last one, but he certainly has a frown like... just right now. And his golden eyes just drill through the wall.

Armin had this bad habit of becoming really close to his patients. He befriends them, and usually healing them from the mental illnes becomes more of his goal and dream than just work. He just WANTS them to be normal people. He always imagines them getting out of this place and maintaining the friendship. Unfortunately, since he always takes the more interesting cases, it's almost impossible to pull these back to reality. He's never succeeded fully yet; Most of his patients got better, but none got totally cured.

That's why lately Armin felt more and more hopeless and useless. The thought of him being weak and unable to help anyone was slowly growing in his mind, along with self doubt .

He had a huge hopes for Jean though.

\- Right, Armin? - the sudden question got him out of the thoughts.

\- Um.. hm?

\- Toldja he wasn't listening. - Hanji laughed. Levi didn't seem amused.

\- Ah, s.. sorry, I got carried away.

\- Anyway. - Levi stood up. - Read it all and then call me. - And he left.

\- ...And he left. - Hanji frowned.

Three of them got back to work after that, reading page after page.

When they were done, there were still a few reports to be written, and then finally Armin had a time to go to his patient.

He entered the room with the smile again.

\- I talked to them about the tying up, they've said that you're on strict observation for three days; after this time they will lower the security level a bit.

Jean just yawned.

Armin sat in front of him again, and put some papers on the desk.

\- Paperwork. - he answered to brunette's questioning look. - I still have these to finish.

\- Why here?

\- Because I could either finish them in my office and come here in an hour or two, or bring it all with me and come now.

\- Oh, thank you so much for SUCH sacrifice! - Jean smirked ironically.

\- Anyway, - Armin looked at him, but he got interrupted before he could ask the question.

\- Why don't you tell about yourself now?

The question was so sudden, the blonde blinked few times and didn't answer at first.

\- But...

\- Geez, it was a simple question. And you call yourself a doctor?

\- Well, - Armin narrowed eyebrows. - I'm not allowed to speak about myself to my patients. The personal life must be separated from work.

\- Are you always so boring?

\- I... Hey. - Armin pulled his glases up, so they were on his hair right now. - Stop it. I'm here to help you.

\- And who's gonna help you?

\- ...I don't need help.

\- Bullshit.

Armin swallowed. He's read about it. If patient starts acting like doctor himself, the actual psychologist looses authority.

\- So, had any dreams lately?

\- I have only one.

\- Oh? - that wasn't something mentioned in his papers. Jean just shrugged.

\- Marco. - he answered emotionlessly. - Moment of his death. I imagine it in several ways.

Armin almost gasped. It's like Jean's mind is trying to get back to the point he's lost sanity and retrospects it in dreams.

\- And how does it usually look like?

\- A crash.

Blonde's hopes have just raised. A crash. No matter what kind of crash; burnette IS aware of the truth deep in his unconsciousness. So Levi was right.

Marco is an impuls, strong enough to bring Jean back... or make him fall totally, into insanity.

\- 3D Maneuver crash? - he asked, at the same time showing that he was listening to Jean the previous day.

\- Yeah. Usually with Titan's help.

\- But not always..?

Jean shook his head.

\- Sometimes he just loses control over it, and crashes into one of the houses. Titans always finish him off, though.

Armin started to fidget. Jean had such a blunt personality, to speak of his friend's death - even imagined - with such ease..? Probably he's already cried it all out before, but still.

\- What about you, doc? - Armin looked up at him and Jean shook his head. - Had any interesting dreams?

Armin didn't plan on answering the question. Just as he didn't plan to start a casual talk with his patient.

It just happened by itself.

 

* * *

 

Hanji brought him a documentary about the accident, just as he had requested. Armin yawned and stretched on the chair.

\- Don't you think you're getting into all this a LITTLE too much? - she asked, sitting next to him.

\- I want to know what I'm working on. - he muttered, taking the papers and giving a short look at each one. - It's nothing bad to get more familiar with your case, right?

\- But you know that becoming close to your patient is forbidden?

\- I know, I'm not befriending him.

The problem was, that was exactly what he was doing.

\- Kay, if you say so. - Hanji stood up. - Now, time for me. Someone has to annoy Levi, right? - she winked and laughed shortly before leaving.

\- Yeah, good luck. - Armin seemed to not listen to her, dragged in the lecture. Hanji just smiled and left, quietly closing door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying it so far, hah :"D Also, once again - I DON'T KNOW ALOT ABOUT PSYCHYCOLOGY so sorry if there are any mistakes about it! 3


	3. The Fall

The coverages from the accident were really detailed. Armin was sure some of them came from Jean, back when he was still himself. States of bodies and cars were horrifyingly well described. Marco Bodt, 21, year older than Jean, was really halved. He didn't fasten his seatbelts and he flew out the front window. The glass from other car's window broke in such way, the body flew right at it. Marco died quickly, being cut in half from head to stomach. The glass couldn't cut through one of organs.

Two other people, driving in second car, 34 and 35, married couple; woman died immediately, man in hospital after hour of trying to save him.

His both legs had to be amputated at place; Glass got into his chest and his arm was broken.

Woman's whole body got crushed, there was no hope for her.

Jean was the driver, and his airbag worked just in time; Glass didn't get stuck in his body only because Marco's flight made window break to the outside. Jean's leg got stuck though, he couldn't get out of the car.

All he could do is sit in one place, and watch Marco's blood tapping onto the ground. He could see how his friend's body is pierced by piece of window, and he could see woman's crashed body and man's arm, tilted in unnatural way. Propably the man was screaming, too.

Police states that when they got there, called by other driver, who was also the eyewitness of the accident, Jean was in such state they thought he's already mentally ill. He tried to communicate, but all that they understood between the coughs and sobs and hacks, was one word.

... Marco.

Armin sighed. It's not that shocking that after such things, brunette had nightmares and mental breakdown. Most of the people, or at last these physically strong, would make it out and go on, though.

Three days after accident, Jean was called by the police and after giving them in-depth coverage, he went back home.

It was 28th June.

Since that day things were gradually getting worse. He stopped showing at work, his phone remained turned off. Neighbors state that from time to time he was getting out to the shop, but usually all he was buying was water.

After two weeks, they called police, worried about the man. There was no response from home. They broke in and found him unconscious in bathroom, with his veins cut.

Suicide attempt.

After that, he was taken to the hospital and brought back to acceptable state. They would've let him go back home, if not for the patient who called nurse and told them he's mentally sick. Indeed, Jean was telling stories about Titans and war, and about everyone who died, also he mentioned mankind being lost few times.

When asked why did he try to kill himself, he answered with one sentence: "Titans are coming". Three days later he was moved to mental hospital, and after few months they moved him to SINA, a place where Armin took care of him.

SINA (Sanity Is Now Available) is a place where people who technically can be helped are being sent. After months of therapy, they are either moved to organisation which helps them get back to normal life, by finding them jobs and accommodation, or sent back to mental hospital, where theraphy continues.

Usually people that are sent back have no chances of ever being healed, thus people in SINA calls it 'prisoning'.

Armin rubbed his temples. Jean's mind gives signs that it's not broken, rather locked within numerous walls it created for itself. If blonde would be able to break through all of them, he could eventually bring Jean back, but it's going to be long and effort-taking process. Still, it's worth giving a try.

Armin yawned quietly. He's still got an hour before he can go home. Blonde looked outside the window.

Suprisingly, his thoughts went to the Titans. Jean's mind must be extremely complex to come out with such counterpart to reality. Even the 3D Maneuver gear sounds like something that could work. The world he lives in is also as dramatic as - or even more than - the real world. His comrades died, killed by Titans, which represent fate. The reality mixed with metaphors there. Armin thought that he would never create something like that.

Having nothing better to do - since the paperwork was already done - he headed towards room number 7.

\- I thought we were done for today? - Jean raised eyebrews when he saw Armin sitting on the chair next to his bed.

\- I know, - the blonde sighed. - but I have no more work to do and still an hour or two to sit there.

\- And you decide to spend them with a mentally sick psycho?

Armin laughed shortly.

\- I'm hopeless, am I not?

Jean just smirked. Answer was pretty obvious at this point.

Armin caught his smirk and responded with the same. The hour that blonde had left came out to be quite longer when they started a talk.

It took Armin four days to notice that what he's doing is wrong.

Each talk brought him closer to the point where he'd be able to help Jean, but each talk also brought him closer to Jean himself.

It was evening of fifth day of therapy when Armin, standing in front of the mirror, caught himself on thinking about his patient for way too long.

He's always been thinking alot about his patients, but this time it was different. Instead of treating him like another mentally ill person, he talked to him like to a friend. But that wasn't the thing; he's done it with previous patients.

The thing was that lately Armin caught himself thinking about Jean's golden eyes, and smile, and well build body. His irises seemed like a golden ocean, and blonde would most likely enjoy to swim in it, get lost in the abyss of amber waves.

Armin shook his head and frowned at his own reflection. That was ridiculous. Jean was his patient, a mentally sick person who's just left mental hospital, and most of all - he was 20-year-old MALE. But there he was, slightly blushing even at just a thought of other man's smile.

\- What the heck, Armin. - he said to himself, washing his face with cold water. It didn't help though, the picture of smirking Jean was still in his mind.

He took a short shower and went to bed. He couldn't sleep, imagining how could Jean be before the accident. He wondered if his personality changed alot, if he had been happier or more sad person, what dreams he had had, if he had been in love... His thoughts wandered to the topic of girls. Did Jean have a crush on any? Did any have a crush on him...? He thought that many certainly had, Jean is attractive man, after all. But did any of them catch HIS interest?

The simple question of "if yes, then how?" appeared in his mind before he could stop it. He bit his lower lip and turned to the other side, covering his face with bed clothing. He suddenly thought that the other side of his bed is terribly empty. It's always been like that, but now he... for the first time, he wanted to fill this part of his bed - and maybe his heart. Of course, the first person that came to his mind, was Jean.

He turned on the bed again, and stared at the roof. Then his eyes widened, and he blinked in terror, realising... that he fell in love with him.

\- Had a bad night? - Jean smiled to Armin.

Blonde didn't look well indeed, having nice dark socks under his eyes.

\- Mmh. - he muttered and sat in front of brunett.

\- Nightmares?

\- No, it's just.. I'm overthinking everything.

\- Right. But that's your job as a doctor, isn't it?

\- Yeaa, although it shouldn't have an impact on my private life.

\- You have any?

\- ...Excuse me?

\- Private life, you know, outside this place. You sit there since the morning, then you visit after few hours of paperwork, and you head home when it gets dark. You got any time for yourself?

\- ...

\- I bet this means no. You oughta get yourself something to do after work, and on the weekends.

Armin bit the inside of his cheek. What was he supposed to say, now? That he dreams of Jean getting out of here, and being his friend, and maybe even more..? That he's never felt any need of having someone close, until now, until he met him?

\- I'll keep that in mind. - he muttered, and started more psychological talk. Even though he liked Jean alot - probably even in liked LIKED way - Armin knew when there was time for fun, and when for work. So did the other man.

After an hour or so, blonde left for some time. He walked to coffee machine and bought himself a big cappuccino. He was sitting in corridor, sipping it quietly, when Christa sat next to him, with worried expression.

\- Hey, um, did something happen?

\- My patient just told me they're in love with me.

\- Well, you're pretty, isn't that happening often?

\- But it's a girl. 15-years-old girl, Armin.

\- ..Oh.

Christa looked at Armin's coffee, and bought herself one too. Although it was Latte.

\- I'll have to ask Levi to give her to someone else.

\- Aren't YOU the best love-things therapist we have?

\- Yes, but...

\- Christa, if I backed off everytime my patient tells me they know me, because they've seen me in one of their imagined worlds, I'd never do anything.

\- Armin, just imagine that Jean confessed his love to you!

Armin blinked. Actually, wrong as it sounds, Armin wouldn't feel bad about tha...

Wait, what?

Armin shook his head, trying to get rid of these thoughts. Because DAMN, this is BAD. He shouldn't feel like he'd be HAPPY of Jean confessed to him. Just no. It'd be bad, wrong, frightening, terrific... TERRIFYING, not terrific. ...Right?

Christa probably took head shaking and his expression as sign of agreeing with her.

\- See? Wouldn't be nice.

\- Would've been great.

Words left his lips before he could even think about stopping them. He swallowed, and suddenly felt like cursing, what he never does.

Christa raised her eyebrows, and opened her mouth to say something, but ended up just freezing in that pose. Armin was close to the point when he hysterically laughs and tries to explain it was supposed to be sarcastic and funny, but he forgot about the sarcasm.

...Or actually, he's already done it.

Christa hesitated for a while, before laughing shortly. She looked as if she chose to believe him only because it seemed easier than accepting the fact that Armin may have a crush on his mentally sick, male patient. It probably was, anyway.

\- Hahaa, right. - she smiled weirdly. - But if you ever need emotional.. um.. help, then... you know where to find me.

\- Christa, I... I'm not in love with Jean, okay? It was supposed to be a joke.

\- ...Rrrright. Sorry, then.

Next, the awkward silence came.

\- I guess I'll just go back to my patient.

\- Yeah, me too, heh.

\- See you later, then.

\- Yup, bye. Good luck and.. you know.

Christa left, and Armin stayed for a while longer, finishing his coffee. Then he entered room number 7.

He must've had something wrong with his face, because Jean snorted as soon as he saw him.

\- What happened?

\- ...Nothing, just... - Armin sighed. - ...nothing.

\- Yea, sure.

\- Just had a talk with other doctor and... - Armin thought that there's nothing wrong in trying, what does he have to lose, anyway?... - Jean, are you gay?

Brunette blinked in suprise.

\- Um... As far as I know, no?

\- Ah, okay. - Armin prayed to God that the disappointment in his voice couldn't be heard.

\- Why are you asking?

_ Because there's this.. theory, yes. - Armin smiled helplessly. He's never been good at lying.

\- Ooh, riight. - Jean nodded and smirked. - So are you?

\- What.

\- Gay?

\- NO.

Armin looked down but he forgot there is nothing on the table. This time he finished his paperwork faster, and didn't have to bring it with him. So he just stared at his hands, his face getting awfully red. Heck.

\- Yeaa. - Jean glanced at him, entertained.

Armin swallowed, and looked up at him again, hoping that his face isn't red as tomato.

Actually, if it wasn't, it just did get as red, because suddenly Jean's smirk seemed even more attractive for him. He could feel his heart beating faster, and out of blue, he had nothing to say. For a while, it was like he forgot how to use his brain. Brunette found it even more entertaining, and he seductively licked his lips.

\- Stop it. - Armin huffed at him, staring down at the table again.

\- What's wrong, Armin? - Blonde felt how the strange, warm feeling flew through him as he heard his name, coming from the other man. Until now, Jean only called him "doc". - You said you're not gay, didn'tja? - Jean leaned over the table and Armin could feel him smirking even more as he took a stroke of blonde's hair and stuck it behind his ear. - This shouldn't have a slightest impact on you, then.

Jean lowered his head and placed his finger under Armin's chin. He raised the other man's head a little, so he had to look at him. Armin glanced at golden irises.

'Fuck', he thought, first time since years. He could really get lost in golden desert in Jean's eyes. And he was keen on doing so. He thought that if he only leaned towards the other man just a bit, their lips would find their own way to each other's.

But instead, he backed off and shook his head, which caused the stroke of hair come back to old position, as if Jean never touched him.

\- I told you to stop.

\- Haa, so you ARE gay for me?

The question hit Armin like a brick. Was it because Jean was right, or because that was truth he had hidden from himself - or just that it sounded so wrong - he didn't know.

\- Could you just... - Armin frowned, still blushing.

\- Oh. My. GOD, you actually ARE. - Jean laughed.

Laughed.

At Armin.

For loving him.


	4. The Impulse

Probably that was just his twisted way of dealing with such situations, but it hurt blonde so much, he's clenched his teeth and stood up.

\- HAhahahhaawooa wait! - Jean stood up and grabbed his arm when Armin was in the halfway to door.

\- Let me go. - blonde muttered, trying to free himself from the grip.

\- No, wait, I- .. Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed, I just thought you were kidding! Like, you know, that it's some kind of a game and I just thought you'd feel nice if I took the bait.

\- Nice of you, now LET ME GO.

\- But- Hey, the session has just started, right?

\- It's already over.

\- Aw come on, I've waited there for you!

Armin didn't respond. He felt too embarrassed to even come up with anything.

\- No stupid gay jokes or anything, I swear.

Blonde knitted his eyebrows and looked up at Jean - who was much taller than him - with anger.

\- Fine, - he said, turning back. Jean let his arm go. - but if you just try something...

\- Didn't mean to hurt you. I won't, you have my promise

\- ...Did you just. Promised you'll never hurt me? That's lame, you know.

Jean laughed.

\- I guess I did.

Armin sat back at his place, and session went pretty smoothly. Surprisingly, Jean didn't make any stupid homosexual jokes, or anything stupid overally. Blonde was very thankful for that, but also it only raised his interest in Jean.

* * *

 

When he got back home, he took a long shower. He couldn't get the other guy out of his head, and it was killing him. Things like that shouldn't happen, not to him. After all, bi- and homosexuality is said to be mental disorder. And he's a psychiatrist. Maybe a trauma psychiatrist, BUT STILL. It's just... wrong in so many ways. Maybe he should really ask Christa for help...

He felt the hot water running down his hair, back, and legs. Suddenly, a stroke of warmth ran INSIDE his body, too. He raised head, so that the water burst in his face.

He opened his mouth a bit, and a simple picture appeared in his head.

He opened his eyes widely and coughed because water went to the wrong hole in his throat. He leaned against shower's walls. What... was that?!

His mind acted like teenager's, giving him erotic pictures of Jean. Technically, it could be explained by the fact that as a teenager he's never had anything like that. Maybe it came now, late.

Armin swallowed and put his hand on his chest, feeling the fast heartbeat.

The images in his head appeared one after another, and eventually teenager instincts inside him won. He slade his hand down his chest, to stomach, and lower, to groin. He exhaled loudly, and totally fell into it.

The matter of 'wrong' or 'right' weren't important anymore.

He took his member and started off slowly rubbing it, images in his head stronger than his will.

He moaned quietly, moving his hand up and down. In raising satisfaction, he's bent his head back and closed eyes. His mind gave him more and more, dirtier and dirtier. His moves became faster and he swallowed the louder moan, just to let it out the next second.

\- Hh.. - he mumbled, feeling how he's closer. - J.. Jean- - he almost screamed the name. Then it all became wild.

His mind gave him the image where it wasn't him taking care of his cock; it was Jean, licking and massaging it, moving it up and down, finally giving him a blowjob. Armin felt the rising desire, and his moves became rough and fast. He moaned and sighed, feeling he's close.

\- Ah.. hh.. J..Jea... - he felt all his muscles tense, when the warmth and satisfaction coming from an orgasm reached every single part of his body.

He stood there for a while, breathing heavily, before he realized what just happened.

The white part of the shower wall was just enough of the proof.

But he felt way too good now to even think about it. He swallowed again, and slode down the shower's wall, letting water wash him from the sin.

It didn't take long when he broke down and curled up... and the water from shower blended with his tears. He stuck his nails in the skin, digging deep enough to make it bleed.

\- I... - he whispered to himself. - I jerked off... to... a guy.

With last word he stuck the nails even deeper and stayed like that for a few long moments, letting small strokes of blood run down his arms. The water's sounds covered his quiet sobs, and isolated him from the outside world. For a single while, he's thought that it's not a bad idea to just stay here like that forever, in the shower, with water flowing.

...But then the realistic side of him rang in his head, and he realized that they'd sooner or later turn the water off, and maybe even before that he'd starve to death.

And finding a dead psychiatrist, who's decided to stay in shower for eterity, and in conclusion starved to death, his body all rotten, wouldn't do any good.

Armin sobbed once more and stood up. He had to put himself together, after all he'll have another session with Jean tomorrow. And a day after tomorrow. And so on, until the day Jean comes back to reality, leave SINA, and starts a life of his own. And he starts avoiding Armin, because heck, he's such a hopeless doctor, and he's gay, and...

And... and he can't even hold his tears.

Armin sniffed, bundling himself in a towel. He stood in front of mirror and looked at his reflection. He despised himself so much. He washed his teeth and went to bed, hoping to just fall asleep and never wake up.

...But the sleep didn't come. He rolled from side to side, trying to get comfortable position, but he couldn't even close his eyes.

The therapy must end. The sooner the better. He reached for phone and after three signals he heard sleepy voice.

\- Yes?

\- It's me, Armin..

\- Oh for fuck's sake, Armin, you have any idea what time is it?

\- Yea, but I couldn't sleep and there's something I need to ask y-

\- It's like 3am so goodnight, see you tomorrow, and you're DEAD by the way.

\- BUT- THE IMPULS! - Armin called and his voice cracked. Rivaille was just about to put the phone down, and he'd rather throw it at wall than answer again. But now, after such desperate scream had came from Armin, there was a silence.

\- Armin, did you cry?

\- I... No! - his voice showed pretty well how big of a liar he was.

\- And you couldn't sleep beca... fuck, wait a second.

The sound of putting phone on the table was heard, and Armin could very well imagine how Rivaille takes all his pillows to sit comfortable. But there was also a quiet, sleepy 'Leviii...' in the background, and blonde flinched at the thought of his boss sleeping with someone in one bed. Because... Really, RIVAILLE? No, Armin must've heard wrong.

\- Now. - Levi said after he took the phone again. - What about the impuls?

Armin hesitated for a moment. What if it'd be too obvious? Christa surely told their boss about today's situation, and now Armin calls him at, like, 3am to ask about such thing...

But if he just said 'nevermind' and put the phone down, he'd not only be jobless, but also most propably DEAD.

\- See, the therapy lasts six days now. - he said slowly, watching his words. - And I... I wonder if,

\- If it's soon enough to use an impuls?

Armin thought about it for a while.

\- Y..Yeah. Jean hasn't shown any signs of aggression, and other than being convinced that all of this Titan stuff really took place, he's acting really normal.

\- Okay.

\- Hm..?

\- Okay, then, you can.

\- Oh, th.. thank you.

\- No problem. It's all your decision. If you'd like to use it even earlier, you could, and I'd have no right to stop you.

\- Right..

\- But since it's your decison, you take all the consequences.

\- I.. I know.

\- Using an impuls could either drag him out of it, or...

\- ...or make him fall into madness, I do realise that.

\- It's end of the therapy in case of either.

Armin didn't respond. Was it selfish, what he was planning to do?

\- Armin. - Levi sounded like he rubbed his temples - which was what he was probably doing. - It's all your choice, but you have to remember that it won't inflict only you. - There was a while of silence. - ...It can end him.

Armin nodded, even though Rivaille couldn't see it.

\- Y..Yes. I'll keep that in mind.

\- But he's your patient and you know best when he's ready for an impuls.

\- I guess...

\- Now, were you really crying over this indecision?

\- Rivaille, do you think it's okay to fall in love with a mentally sick person? - Armin was half asleep already, so asking this didn't seem wrong at all.

Levi looked at the side of his bed, where Hanji slept, and smiled lightly to himself, sighing. Of course, Armin couldn't see that, so for him it was like a while of silence, followed by a sigh. But his boss anwered, answered with a sentence Armin didn't expect.

\- I guess it... It is, Armin.

Blonde felt too exhausted to even ask, but seems like he didn't have to, as Rivaille quickly added:

\- But don't you dare telling anyone, you little shit.

Heh. Seems like the usual Levi is back, after a moment of being more human than ever.

\- I won't. - Armin said quietly, feeling how sleep takes over him. - Thank you. - He added after a while.

He could be dreaming already, but he could promise he heard Levi snorting, before ending the call.

* * *

The next day was a Hell from the very morning.

Armin overslept, and in the end he didn't eat his breakfast, put the first clothes that came in his hands, and didn't even bother checking if he's got everything. He jumped in his car and noticed he doesn't have keys. Cursing under his nose, he ran back to the flat and picked them from the table.

He's almost bumped into two cars on his way to work, but he's got to SINA only ten minutes late.

\- GoodmorningsirImsorryImlate - he spit out, entering Levi's office, panting.

\- Armin, you look AWFUL - Hanji raised her eyebrows.

\- No, he doesn't! - Christa smiled kindly. - He just... he could use a hair brushing and maybe a quick morning shower...

\- Just get to work, Arlert. - Rivaille cut the talk, frowning at him from his papers. As if their night talk never happened. - And if you're late again, wave goodbye to us.

Armin nodded.

\- Yes, sir... -sorry.

He went to his office and fell on his chair and tried to calm his breath for a while. Darn, he couldn't remember when was the last time he had ran so fast.

The pile of papers were shining at him from his desk, but he knew there was something far more important he had to do.

Swallowing his own fear, he opened the door. He peeked inside, hoping that somehow, by a miracle, it'd be empty. But it wasn't.

\- Good mornin', doc! - Jean smiled to him from behind the table.

Armin suddenly remembered the previous evening. He could feel his throat blocking, and he cleared it quickly. He had to be strong.

\- Overslept today? - Jean tilted his head. - You look really bad, y'know.

\- Thanks, yeah. - Armin sat in front of him and put a few paper folders on the table.

\- What's that? - Jean leaned over the documents curiously.

\- The truth.


	5. The Truth

Armin unpacked the paper and put all the documents on the table. Then he pushed it towards Jean.

\- The truth you've decided to hide from yourself.

Brunette looked down and Armin could notice the eye twitch before he closed his eyes.

\- No. - Jean whispered hoarsely.

Blonde swallowed. It sure was selfish of him, wanting to use the impuls just to speed up the therapy. He wasn't sure if Jean was mentally ready for what was about to happen. But he went too far into that to turn back now. He had to crush the walls Jean hid himself in, one by one.

First one being Titans. The fate.

\- Our world is free of global disasters - he began, eyeing his patient. - since years. There are no Titans. It's been two years, right? Two years tomorrow.

\- Since Marco got ki-

\- Since the accident.

Jean stared at him, with a dangerous sparkle in his eyes.

\- No.

Armin took one of the papers and lifted it up. Brunette glanced at it and swallowed loudly, looking away.

\- These are the photos from the accident. The head-on collision, Jean. Out of four people only you survived.

\- NO, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

\- You gave the coverage later, media talked to you about the case. You told them what happened, so your mind was still sane back then.

\- Stop.

\- Just try to remember this state of mind.

\- No, you don't..

\- THIS - Armin hit the table with his palm and shoved a photo under Jean's nose. - IS REALITY.

Jean breathed heavily, staring down at the photo of Marco's body, pierced by the glass.

\- You've locked yourself in the world where you can blame everything on Titans. Because you've felt guilty, Jean. You still do, thus the nightmares. But it's time to wake up.

Jean shook his head, unable to say a word.

\- You are NOT guilty. You were the driver, true, but it's the other car that drove into yours. Marco's death is not your fault.

Jean flinched at the mention of friend's name. Armin swallowed, knowing that he could snap every second now. He kept his finger under the table, near the emergency button.

\- You, - Jean whispered. - you don't know anything.

\- I know EVERYTHING. And that's the point. I've got every metaphoric detail in the world you've created. You said you were close to dying once, that a 'Titan' almost got you.

\- Because that's TRUE.

\- YOU WERE TRYING TO COMMIT A SUICIDE AT THIS TIME. You've placed every event from your life in your own reality, and every single thing that you think or feel reflects in the story you create.

\- SHUT UP!

\- But it's time to wake up. - Armin replied. He put his finger on another paper. - THIS is a coverage YOU GAVE. YOUR OWN WORDS. Maybe it'll remind you how you used to be.

He took the paper in hands and cleaned his throat before he started reading it.

\- "It happened on Wednesday, 28th June. I was driving Marco home, we were coming back from the party, I didn't drink. The drive went nice until two flashing lights came at us from the opposite. I couldn't even press brake, or turn the car in any direction, we were going right at them. I closed my eyes as they hit us. Then it all became Hell."

He wanted to read on, but he got interrupted by a sound of Jean, hitting his palm on the table. He stood up and was now looking at Armim angrily, breathing heavily.

\- STOP IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THESE ARE LIES. SHIFTERS WROTE IT ALL.

\- Jean, there are NO Shifters. We don't live inside the Walls, we don't use 3 Dimensional Maneuvers, and we don't have to deal with the Ti-

\- SHUT UP! - Jean yelled at him and got the paper from Armin's hand. Without even looking at it, he tore it apart and threw to the corner of the dark room. - GET THE FUCK OUT.

\- I'm trying to save you from yourself, Jean.

\- NO, you're just like the rest! GET OUT.

Armin stood up too.

\- You've felt so guilty, your mind decided you couldn't handle it. That's how your world's counterpart came to life. But now, you're ready to stand up and move on, Jean. Marco IS dead, nothing can change it, but it's NOT your fault.

\- OF COURSE IT'S NOT, FUCKING TITAN FUCKING ATE HIM ALIVE!

\- Car accident.

\- BULLSHIT!

\- You once KNEW the truth! Dig deep enough and you're gonna find it again! - Armin walked to him and put his hands on the other's shoulders. Jean was shaking, and he stared at the blonde with such aggression, that psychiatrist doubted in his success. - Wake up, it's your time to live on!

\- SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, ANYTHING YOU HEAR ME?!

\- MARCO wouldn't like t-

That's it. The impuls.

The impuls that could either save Jean, or bring end to him.

Jean pushed him away.

\- AND YOU DON'T KNOW A SHIT ABOUT MARCO! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL!

Jean seemed close to crying. Armin eyed him carefully. Brunette was visibly shaking, and he took his head in hands, clenching teeth.

Blonde would smile if the situation wasn't that important. The memories, the real ones, were coming back.

Jean was coming back.

Impuls worked fi...

Armin's eyes got wide as he saw Jean opening his mouth and literally roaring at him, before taking the first thing he could - in this case a chair - and running with it right at him.

He couldn't remember much from the last session, and if asked, he'd propably just stare emptily at the one who asked. He remembered only a single parts, each dramatic enough to give him the overall idea about what happened.

Jean rushed at him with the chair, and Armin had time just to raise his hands and defend face. He felt the pain in arms, and he could hear the chair's leg breaking. He dived to the table and pressed the emergency button, and that was the last clear memory.

Right after that he remembers he was pulled away from the table, and threw at the ground. Then it all went black, he only remembered huge pain, and how he screamed hopelessly, that, 'YOU'VE PROMISED TO NEVER HURT ME'. He could swear Jean hesitated then for a while, and right after that the security came in. They dragged him away from Armin and demobilized him, and the last sigh of Jean blonde caught was the anger, mixed with regret in his golden eyes, and he could see he's screaming, but he couldn't hear what.

He lied on the floor, propably, and touched his head and saw blood on his hand. Then he heard Levi shouting short sentences, but he didn't know if it was towards him or someone else, he just felt how someone is lifting him up from the ground, and he couldn't help but threw up. Since that moment, to when he woke up in the hospital, his memories are totally empty.

And when he did wake up, all he felt was an overtaking pain, in every part of his body. He was afraid of opening his eyes, because he felt like he'll see himself dying.

But all he noticed were a bandage on his arm and Christa, sitting by his bed.

\- Oh God, Armin! - she said as soon as she noticed he woke up. - Thanks God, we were so worried about you..!

Blonde blinked few times, trying to understand. What exactly happened? Why was he in the hospital?

\- How do you feel? - Christa put her hand on his, trying to comfort the man at last a bit. But receiving no reply for long time, she knitted her eyebrows in worry. - Should I call a nurse?

Armin glanced at her and after a while the terrible grimace of realisation appeared on his face. He touched his head again; it was bandaged too.

\- Hey, no, you have to lie down! - Woman put his back on his back when he tried to sit up.

\- But-

\- Wait a while longer, Levi should be there soon.

\- Wha-? Why..?

\- He doesn't show it, but he does worry about you. - she smiled kindly. - He worries about all of us, he's just got an... odd way of showing it.

Armin opened his mouth to say something, but then another wave of memories hit him. He felt the hot ache raising in his throat, and his eyes got just a bit watery. Jean.

Christa took it as sign of something being wrong and squeezed his hand abit.

\- It'll be okay, doctors said you're going to be alright. Maybe some bruises or so, but after a week or two you should feel like a newborn..!

Then Levi came in and eyed Armin.

\- Feeling okay, Arlert? - he asked shortly, his voice rather annoyed.

\- Yes... I guess.

\- Good. I've told you not to take him. - Levi shook his head. - That's what you get, you piece of...

\- ARMIIIN - Hanji walked inside like a tornado - so like always. - ARE YOU OKAY, DOES ANYTHING HURT YOU, IF YES THEN WHAT AND-

Levi grabbed her shirt and pulled her outside, ending up behind the door with her in the process.

Christa sighed.

\- These two...

Armin stared at the closed door. Rivaille... and Hanji? Blonde bit the inside of his cheek. They are happy right. They deserve to be happy.

Happiness was not meant for him, though.

Even though during his time spent in hospital there was always someone sitting by his side, he couldn't stop thinking about that one person, who would never manage to come. Chocolates from Christa, weird stuff from Hanji, or Levi's annoyed glances couldn't replace even a minute of talk with Jean. Their smiles, laugh, cheering pats on the shoulders - this could never mean as much as a short chuckle coming from brunette.

Armin slowly began to understand what exactly he's done.

Not only did he act like a chicken, running away from the problem rather than trying to fix it - because of him, now, Jean will spend rest of his life in mental hospital, sickly certain that whole mankind lives within a walls, and is being attacked by the Titans from all over the world. He's put an end to him.

But what hurt the most, was the fact that Jean really did try to hurt him. Of course, the impuls therapy is said to be dangerous and have only two kinds of result. But maybe... just maybe. He's hoped that Jean would keep the promise he had made.

Few days after the incident, Armin went back to work. But only to pack his things. There was more than just one reason to that. He stared blankly at the door of room number 7, at the moment opened widely.

He's looked at every book on the shelf in his room, slid his hand through the back of each. He sighed heavily and packed them up.

The quiet knocking filled the silence in the room. Armin didn't feel like answering. Unfortunately, Christa, who knocked, thought he's just not there.

\- Oh, hello, Armin. - she said and looked away. - You see... I'm only here to... deliver this. - she reached out with a folded paper. Armin raised eyebrow questioningly and she bit her lip. - Actually... Jean gave it to me, and told me to give it to you, when the therapy is over. No matter the result.

Armin flinched and for some time, he's felt like there's a desert in his throat. It was so dry, and so filled with upcoming tears, he couldn't say a word. He just took the letter from Christa and nodded in a gratitude. She smiled sadly.

\- We'll miss you, Armin.

He looked up at her and couldn't manage even a smile. But she understood. Of course she did. Christa always understood others, even without words.

\- But we are gonna keep in touch, right? - Seeing the hope in her eyes, Armin couldn't help but nod. - Right... thank you. And good luck.

With that, she left the room, closing the door behind her. Armin sat on 'his' chair for the very last time, and he glanced at the letter.

What he did was extremely selfish and unforgivable. But then, he REALLY hoped Jean was ready. He hoped for him to come back to normal life, socialize. He wanted to go to cafés with him, and talk like they used to.

And now... now he's lost the slightest chance for it to happen.

He stood up and finished packing.

Walking through SINA for the last time felt odd. He walked past vending machines that he'll never use again. Past the numerous doors, their own story behind each. He nodded to the woman in reception, feeling the sore in his throat as he realised he'll never ever see her again like that. He turned back in doors, and suddenly SINA felt like an unfamiliar place, maybe even a bit like a forbidden building.

Here, behind the thick walls of rooms, the tragic stories are being created, day by day, and their job was to listen to them, become part of them, to finally part truth from lies. Each story has to be taken personally, each patient was a living, thinking human, that got lost somewhere along the way. Was it because they tried to take the road alone from the start, or because people left them along the way, or maybe because they took the wrong direction - didn't matter. Doctors were always here to help them get back on feet, and keep walking.

And Armin failed at this task. That's why he had to go. He was too weak to face it all, Jean wasn't ready for an impuls, these two things combined resulted in his bruises and light injuries. But it wasn't them that hurt the most; It was his heart, because somewhere deep within, he believed that Jean wouldn't hurt HIM. Selfish way of thinking, true, but he couldn't help it. He would love to go back in time, and undo all of it. He believed that when therapy ends, he'd be somehow free again, but it ended up the opposite.

Now he was more like Jean than he thought he's ever be. He was eaten alive by the guilt, by the loneliness, and by all the broken hopes.

Rivaille looked at him from top of the stairs, and when blonde caught his glance, man didn't even blink. Armin thought that maybe he should go and talk to him, but then it was Rivaille who fired him. He just nodded in a gesture of respect, turned around and left.

To never come back.

He entered an empty flat. He took off his shoes and untied a tie, leaving it on his neck though. He sat in the kitchen and for long minutes, he just stared at the wall, with his head in his hands. Then he finally got the courage to take out the letter from Jean. He looked at the paper for so long.

So long he eventually noticed the wet dots on the paper. One after another, they magically appeared there.

He rubbed his eyes. He managed to make it through whole day without crying, why does he have to be too weak now...?

'Cause you're alone, spoke the voice in his head.

It took the strength to stop the tears. He looked at the paper again, and loudly exhaled. He saw the letters, visible from this side; paper wasn't a high-quality one. But he didn't have the strength to read it.

He's put the letter on a shelf and stood up.

Jean was right. It was about time he walk out, he talk to people, he have fun with friends, and maybe find someone special. Maybe it was about time to take... a leap of faith?

He did go out, walked through the streets, wondering how people even meet new people outside like that. Do they just walk to someone like, Hey, my name's Armin, I'm looking for friends? ...He doubted that. So he just entered café and ordered one latte, as always. While he was waiting for it, he's noticed a tall girl who kept giving him meaningful glances. But he didn't really feel like answering to them.

Now that he thought about it, he didn't even feel like making any friends. Not today. Not ever. No more pain.

Sipping a coffee, he thought about the therapy, about what he's done wrong, other than being scared aashole of course. He thought that maybe the talks involved his private life too much? But he didn't have anyone like that before, to whom he could just talk about whole day, about who annoys him and who he likes, his favourite colours, music and coffee. Sure, Christa was always there, but... she'd immediately think it all through. Hanji too, plus she would bring him a 300-pages long documentary about all that. And Rivaille... Levi didn't seem to care at all. So Armin really had only Jean.

He sighed heavily and the girl seemed to notice she won't get anything. She's lost interest and left, along with other girl, probably her friend.

He went back home. He took a long, hot shower, during which he just stared at the wall mindlessly.

It was all just another failure. He went to bed, hoping that when he wakes up, it'll come out to be just a dream, and he'd be back in the highschool, where he didn't have patients to take care of, and wasn't gay.

But sleep didn't come this night. Nor did it the next. Seems like it was the harsh reality and he was too weak to face it.


	6. Epilogue

_And years later, Armin would sit alone in cafeteria, sipping Latte. And he would see someone familiar sit next to him, and he would hear so well known voice, asking:_

_\- Not in work, doc?_

_And he would smile to himself, staring at the liquid._

_\- They've got the records of our sessions. I got fired._

_\- Ready to sacrifice everything, hm? - Jean would say and laugh shortly._

_And Armin would turn to him, just to notice he's all alone._

__'Irony,' he'd hear the other man's voice, 'a psychiatrist who couldn't save himself.'_ _

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. That's the end. Thank you, everyone who read/followed the story, really, thank you very much! I hope you've enjoyed it. (:


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